So thing are nice at my p/t afternoon/evening gig. I have zero responsibility, which means I’m making next to nothing. But hey, I’m finally getting a steady paycheck, and they have nice snacks and anything I could ever want to drink in the fridge so I’m golden. Now I’m just waiting to hear back from PB as to when they are going to start paying me to take the reigns and drive the company forward. The nice thing about this p/t job is that I can do my home office PB work from here and they don’t have a problem with it. So soon, I will be garnering 2 very small paychecks. Whoohoo! And then every once in a while I will get commission for booking travel for my dad’s band. I just MIGHT make it.
The problem is I am v stressed out. I still don’t have health care. I don’t have apartment insurance. I just had to pay my mom’s rent b/c she is crazy and unemployed, and not only that she has NO RETIREMENT. I will be paying for everything for her very, very soon. My grandmother is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s and the middle of this month I am going down there to learn how to take care of her and change her diaper. I hate to unload this litany of complaints, but I guess when it comes down to it I am living in fear. Not even fear. Terror. Any second the other shoe could drop and my world could collapse like one of those little drinking cups nature freaks use. I mean “outdoor enthusiasts.” Whatever. And this is no way to live. I love Frank Herbert’s Dune. I know not to give in to fear. Fear is the mindkiller. Fear is the little death. Which I guess is the only reason I even have the wherewithall to get up in the morning anymore. It’s no wonder I was completly medicated all those years. Grownup life is scary. I seriously considered jumping off the roof of my building this past weekend, until I realized it’s only 6 stories and I’d probably just end up a quadriplegic*. That is something I seriously don’t want. I’m sure once I get used to living on these miniscule paychecks then I’ll develop a savings plan, and then maybe we’ll have that universal healthcare that was passed, then maybe I’ll finally get some insurance for my apartment so I don’t wake up at night thinking I’m going to lose everything in a fiery Chinatown tenement fire, and then maybe I’ll be able to get my mom evaluated and/or committed, and then maybe, just MAYBE I’ll be ok.
Sounds like a plan, huh?
*And thanks to my good friend S. xoxo!
Posted on November 3, 2010
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